With a title like that, I’m sure most of you are not sure what to expect. How can one overspiritualize anything?

Well, let’s start with the word “spiritualize”. When you spiritualize, you give spiritual meaning to something with presumably no prior spiritual element. (I’m speaking from a Christian standpoint here.)  For the most part, spiritualizing is a bad thing because it usually means some well meaning person is trying to find spiritual value where none exists or should exist.

• Example: “Drinking is a spiritual gift from God. I will not deny myself the spiritual fruits of this activity.”

Your first instinct may be that no right thinking person would say such a thing, but you would be wrong. I’ve heard someone say this nearly verbatim. But, you are also correct. No right thinking person would say this!

You can also overspiritualize something that is spiritual. (If I may make up the word “overspiritualize”.)

• Example: “I believe that the gift of tongues is crucial in the life of a Christian. Those who do not speak in tongues have limited intimacy with their creator.”

I do not have to convince you that some believe this. Clearly, this is an example of taking something spiritual and trying to make it more important than it really is.

Now that we have defined our terms, how does this apply to relationships?

I believe that popular Christian culture is teaching false, dangerous ideas that are giving people unrealistic ideals and a misguided sense of responsibility. 

I have seen this effect my own life, and I’ve seen it effect the lives of my friends.

Myth: The most important task God has for young Christian singles is to find that one* person God has for them.

Fact: God probably has a lot of other things He wants you to do while you are still single and can still focus all of your energies on His work.

A relationship can be the most distracting part of a person’s life. Take a look around you at the love struck couples and you will agree that it hardly breeds an environment where decisive, responsible living is easily accomplished.  Being in love is great, I have been in love…I hope to be in love again. But I know that that feeling is not and should not be the goal of my life. It is not the source of my salvation or the healing balm to help me through the hard times.  Yet all around me, I hear sermons, read books, and see couples treating their relationships as spiritual sanctuaries. Treating every date as a picture of Christ’s love for the church.

*I will probably write a book on this word someday.

Myth: It is important for a guy to be the spiritual leader in a relationship.

Fact: This is true in only one sense and not in the sense most Christians use it.

I have heard hundreds of times from girls that I know and don’t know that they are looking for someone who is a spiritual leader.  Whole dating conferences are constructed on this premise. The result is disastrous. Guys attempt to be the spiritual head of their girlfriends and perform a role specifically set aside for…husbands.   In truth, it is not only not a good idea, but highly inappropriate for a guy to assume this role in a dating relationship.  In a dating relationship, no ownership in a spiritual or literal sense exists between a guy and a girl.  The girl is still her father’s daughter and reponsible only to him and God.

In actuality, the only way a guy should lead is by example. He should do the right thing, and hope that his initiative helps her do the right thing. He is not a spiritual shepherd or instigator and should not act as one. Nor should girls pressure guys to be such.  Girls should be looking for a guy who possesses the potential to be a spiritual leader, not one who is willing to immediately assume the role.

Myth: In a relationship between two Christians,  it is important that they pray, study the Bible, and go to church together.

Fact: This is a lie from Satan.

Excited about their role as spiritual leaders, many guys try to make time for spiritual activities in their relationships. Or ironically, many girls push this idea on their boyfriends so that he will be a spiritual leader.  Not only do they have no obligation to do these things, doing so is probably a bad idea. 

In truth, prayer and bible study are very personal pursuits and introducing them prematurely into a premarital relationship is not a good idea. Unlike marriage, two people in a relationship do not belong to each other. They do not function as a spiritual unit and should not try to.  If we are honest, intimate prayer and devotional time with a person of the opposite sex whom you are highly attracted to is a recipe for sin more than spiritual growth.

I recently had a friend tell me how important it was that he and his girlfriend attend the same church. I had to stop him in his tracks. “No it isn’t. It is entirely unimportant.” Going to church together is a recipe for more distraction and awkward break ups. If two people who are in a dating relationship go to different churches, they should keep doing so. If they go to the same church and sit with different groups of people–they should continue to do so!

Overspiritualizing relationships leads to bad expectations and relationships that never seem to function the way they should.

Now go fall in love.