Bearing shame and scoffing rude,
In my place condemned He stood;
Sealed my pardon with His blood.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Guilty, vile, and helpless we;
Spotless Lamb of God was He;
“Full atonement!” can it be?
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Lifted up was He to die;
“It is finished!” was His cry;
Now in Heav’n exalted high.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Whether they admit it or not, most people like a little drama in their lives. It gives them a reference point for their emotions. With each bad swing of the pendlum, there is a good swing and oh how good that good is compared to the bad.

It’s when people are stuck in the middle that they start manufacturing drama. Without it, they don’t even feel alive.

The real problem, of course, is that people are unwilling to be content. They need friction. They need something to push against. People don’t like treading water.

Because of this, a person will look for reasons to blame someone else, or act aggressively.  The first handy scapegoat is often the person’s boyfriend or girlfriend. (Or any other friend depending on the circumstance.) They feel, whether they know it or not, that this will bring the real problem to the surface so that it may be vanquished once and for all. What actually happens is less useful. The non-guilty party is often injured by the unrequested, undeserved disturbance. The problem that “surfaces” is never the actual problem, because personal problems can’t be solved as relationship problems.

So why do people need friction? Quite simply, without friction, a person is free standing. They have nothing to distract them from who they are. If they do not know who they are, this becomes very evident. Instead of focusing inwardly and looking at the source of discontentment, the focus is turned outward and the problem is projected to someone else.

In the end, a vicious cycle forms. Lack of friction turns into a relationship problem, the solution of which results in lack of friction, which turns into a bigger relationship problem. Ad infinitum.

Eventually, this situation will self destruct.  Many times, the people involved have no idea why everything went so badly so quickly.

Whevener someone tells me they are mad at their girlfriend or boyfriend over something small and intangible, I turn the focus around on them. I ask them what weakness they are trying to fill. I ask them whether their discontent with their mate is really discontent with themselves.

When you’re alone, do you like who you are hanging out with? If not, work on figuring out why and in the mean time, take it easy on your friends. And remember: nearly every problem in life is a spiritual problem*.

This-isn’t-an-advice-column-just-mind-your-own-business,
Clifton

*Billy Graham

When guys upset girls, it is rarely about a difference of opinion or the refusal of one or both parties to compromise a deeply held belief. For instance, the follow exchange has never happened:

Guy: “All I’m saying, baby, is that the federal government was too decentralized and weak under the Articles of Confederation.”
Girl:  [Starting to cry]“You’re wrong! It gave the states the ability to act autonomously, now they have no power because the federal government has taken it all!” [Slams door]

No, when guys upset girls it comes down to their real or perceived insensitivity concerning one or both of two things:

1. Their bodies.
2. Something they care about.

English majors are looking at that list and objecting strongly to the terrible inequality in that list and the use of a numbered list with less than 3 points.  But that’s ok. I’m not writing this about conflicts between myself and English majors. Back to the show…

As I was saying, it’s never about difference of opinion. It may start with a difference of opinion, but it never ends there.

Guys and girls manage their feelings in entirely different ways.  A guy tends to take things at face value.  What is said is assumed to be what is meant and that is the end of it.

A girl almost never takes things at face value, and even if she does, it isn’t without much consideration.  Girls tend to take things to one extreme or the other.

For example:
Guy 1: “Is that a large frosty?”
Guy 2: The size of this frosty is large, so I will answer yes. “Yes”

By contrast…
Guy: “Is that a large frosty?”
Girl: I knew I shouldn’t have gotten a large frosty! They always make me feel fat, but I didn’t think it was a problem, but clearly he thinks thinks I’m fat and is probably dating me out of pity. I’m never going to ever eat another frosty!! “We should break up.”

This is what I call the slippery slope. Something neutral is said, something awful is inferred. Pictured, it might look like this:

In general, girls take things to their final conclusion. They do not rest somewhere in the middle. For instance, once the girl in the previous example associates the question with her weight, she is unlikely to stop anywhere before “I am fat.” She isn’t going to think “Well, he probably doesn’t think I’m fat.  He might think I’m on the high side of normal and he might be surprised that I can eat this whole frosty, but that is all.”

That would never happen.

You could also picture it like this:

In either case, gravity (in this case, gravity being the mysterious female mind) is likely to move the conclusion to one extremity or another.

Now, critics may point out that I’ve used only one example and that not every girl is self-conscious about her weight. This is absolutely true.

But it is also absolutely true that in this image obsessed, sex-crazed culture we live in all girls are feeling the pressure to look a certain way.  I chose weight because it is the most easily demonstrated, but you can substitute any insecurity…even ones that have nothing to do with looks at all.

The other way that guys upset girls is by being insensitive about something they care about deeply.  This is hard for guys to understand because we tend to separate ourselves from our beliefs, friends, and relatives.

This is why…

• a comment about a girl’s best friend can be just as offensive as if you made a comment her.
• a joke about a cause a girl believes is considered an attack on her personally
• Ad infinitum.

While both guys and girls do it, girls are more likely to personalize the things they care about.

None of these attributes are inherently negative, they are just different. A guy’s inclination to be neutral and take things at face value makes him a better leader in personal and business relationships, but a girl can aspire to the same level.

Girls are able to empathize and put themselves in other people’s shoes much more easily, but a guy can learn to see the other side.

As I said, these are generalizations, but I think you will find they hold truth in most guy/girl conflicts.

Scenario: You’ve just broken up with the person you were sure you would marry. He/she has said hurtful things and your heart feels like it’s been torn in two. What’s left of your soul is bleeding all over the ground. Your eyes are swollen from constant tears, and a future seems something that you had yesterday but now has been stolen from you.  You desperately need comfort, but the person whom you want comfort from no longer will talk to you. You need a friend, but you’ve been severed from your best friend. It’s a cosmic Catch-22.  You’ve reached bottom and the pain seems unbearable.

Sound familiar?

Here are some tips to preserve your sanity:

1. Find a distraction…any distraction.  Hang out with friend. Drive to West Virginia.  Shoot heroin. Play basketball.
2. Spoil yourself. By a new video game. Eat your favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry’s.  Do something you normally wouldn’t do.
3. Start getting better. It’s easy to cry for nights on end, but it accomplishes nothing. If you feel like you can’t live without your ex, this is really indicative of a self-esteem issue you need to work on.
4. Don’t allow yourself to think you will get back together. Often breakups consist of one party telling the other party “It’s just not the right time for me.” This is a lie. It’s meant to ease your pain, but dwelling on that hope is a mistake. The sooner you can put this in the past and leave it there, the better.
5. Resent what they did…it’s ok! If you’ve been dumped and the other person treated you poorly and was irresponsible with your heart, it’s ok to resent those actions. I’m not preaching that you should never forgive them, I’m saying that you don’t have to pretend like they did nothing wrong.
6. Don’t try to stay friends.  Very few people can pull off a post break up friendship, and the circumstances are probably different than yours. Don’t try it.
7. Avoid your ex. You know where he/she has classes, where they hang out, what they do on Tuesday nights after their Inertia Club–so be wherever they won’t be.

Here are some tips to preserve everyone else’s sanity:

1. Facebook is not a bulletin board for your heart. Don’t change your status to things like “Larry is drowning in sorrow.” “Marsha is hurt. So unbelieveably hurt.” or “Tim is looking for a rope.” When people look at your facebook profile, they shouldn’t be able to tell what is going on. “Did they break up? He looks so happy…I’m not sure.”
2. Cry about it, but only for awhile. Friends are quick to comfort a hurting compadre, but if you are still crying 3 days later, they are going to start planning your demise. (Exception: You are a girl)
3. Don’t do “on again off again”. For one, this is a bad idea. For two, no one is going to want to listen to you relate your sorrow over your 3rd break up in 2 months with the same person. 
4. Don’t defend your ex. If your friends say he/she is trash and that you can do better…go along with it even if you don’t agree. No one wants to hear “No, guys…be nice…she’s really a  sweet girl and I still love her!”
5. Have a little pride. Don’t tell everyone that it was your fault even if it was your fault.  They don’t need to know, they don’t want to know.
6. Don’t act like you’re the only one. You aren’t, and most people have been where you are at.
7. Don’t even think about rebounding!

I write most of this from experience, not from cold, uncaring cynicism.  Love makes you vulnerable. Everytime you love someone, you take the chance you will be hurt.  It’s the chance our Creator takes by loving His creation.

Good luck my sorrowful friends,
Clifton