A friend of mine is going through a rough spot, and this has inspired me to write some tips from yours truly on ways to break up gracefully–minimizing the pain to yourself and your friends. Which is not to say that my friend is doing it wrong or that I have done things right..I certainly haven’t; which is why I can help you avoid my mistakes.

Scenario: You’ve just broken up with the person you were sure you would marry. He/she has said hurtful things and your heart feels like it’s been torn in two. What’s left of your soul is bleeding all over the ground. Your eyes are swollen from constant tears, and a future seems something that you had yesterday but now has been stolen from you.  You desperately need comfort, but the person whom you want comfort from no longer will talk to you. You need a friend, but you’ve been severed from your best friend. It’s a cosmic Catch-22.  You’ve reached bottom and the pain seems unbearable.

Sound familiar?

Here are some tips to preserve your sanity:

1. Find a distraction…any distraction.  Hang out with friend. Drive to West Virginia.  Shoot heroin. Play basketball.
2. Spoil yourself. By a new video game. Eat your favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry’s.  Do something you normally wouldn’t do.
3. Start getting better. It’s easy to cry for nights on end, but it accomplishes nothing. If you feel like you can’t live without your ex, this is really indicative of a self-esteem issue you need to work on.
4. Don’t allow yourself to think you will get back together. Often breakups consist of one party telling the other party “It’s just not the right time for me.” This is a lie. It’s meant to ease your pain, but dwelling on that hope is a mistake. The sooner you can put this in the past and leave it there, the better.
5. Resent what they did…it’s ok! If you’ve been dumped and the other person treated you poorly and was irresponsible with your heart, it’s ok to resent those actions. I’m not preaching that you should never forgive them, I’m saying that you don’t have to pretend like they did nothing wrong.
6. Don’t try to stay friends.  Very few people can pull off a post break up friendship, and the circumstances are probably different than yours. Don’t try it.
7. Avoid your ex. You know where he/she has classes, where they hang out, what they do on Tuesday nights after their Inertia Club–so be wherever they won’t be.

Here are some tips to preserve everyone else’s sanity:

1. Facebook is not a bulletin board for your heart. Don’t change your status to things like “Larry is drowning in sorrow.” “Marsha is hurt. So unbelieveably hurt.” or “Tim is looking for a rope.” When people look at your facebook profile, they shouldn’t be able to tell what is going on. “Did they break up? He looks so happy…I’m not sure.”
2. Cry about it, but only for awhile. Friends are quick to comfort a hurting compadre, but if you are still crying 3 days later, they are going to start planning your demise. (Exception: You are a girl)
3. Don’t do “on again off again”. For one, this is a bad idea. For two, no one is going to want to listen to you relate your sorrow over your 3rd break up in 2 months with the same person. 
4. Don’t defend your ex. If your friends say he/she is trash and that you can do better…go along with it even if you don’t agree. No one wants to hear “No, guys…be nice…she’s really a  sweet girl and I still love her!”
5. Have a little pride. Don’t tell everyone that it was your fault even if it was your fault.  They don’t need to know, they don’t want to know.
6. Don’t act like you’re the only one. You aren’t, and most people have been where you are at.
7. Don’t even think about rebounding!

I write most of this from experience, not from cold, uncaring cynicism.  Love makes you vulnerable. Everytime you love someone, you take the chance you will be hurt.  It’s the chance our Creator takes by loving His creation.

Good luck my sorrowful friends,
Clifton